Trilbies & Trifles

This Means War: A How To Guide On Dating

• follow her to her place of work and embarrass her in order to secure a date. Make sure to sniff her before you go.
• it is fine to stalk women you have just met.
• When you realise that the guy who seemed like a creep has taken you on a sleazy date, be sure to take advantage of him before completely dismissing him.
• remember: its always better to encourage unpleasant men, than seem like you’re single.
• if you rip off Goodfellas, it will make up for charlies angles.
• don’t worry about being bad at your job, there will be no repercussions what so ever.
• invasion of privacy is a must have
• its perfectly fine if a guy is a scum bag at the beginning of your relationship, so long as he vaguely attempts empathy later on
• awkward childhoods and dead parents can redeem any awful character traits.
• its OK to misuse government resources, so long as it gets you laid.
• don’t be British. for some reason…
• if you are an undercover CIA agent, its perfectly fine to have a high speed chase on national television. they will definitely hire you again.
• instead of actually thinking about what you want in a relationship, try and find flaws in a man you have known for roughly two weeks.
• if someone notices something possibly negative about you, do a complete U turn on your personality. no one will ever notice.
• why have conversations to find out your partners interests, when you can plant bugs in their house instead.
• state your intentions plainly and unnaturally: else people watching might not understand.
• its perfectly fine to select one man over another with a clear conscience so long as he has an ex wife to fall back on. I’m sure that there wasn’t a legitimate reason for their breakup what so ever.
• have i mentioned stalking? its OK. really.
• if a guy appears obnoxious, demanding, creepy, sleazy and generally unappealing, make sure you continue to date him, regardless of whether or not you have a perfectly nice suitor already.
• deadlines add tension. this is something that people totally set themselves in real life.
• its OK to stalk your girlfriend so long as you make her other boyfriend so insecure that he too will stalk her.
• if possible, have no personality (unless its to be a shallow terrible human being)
• if you find out your best friend is seeing a girl, you have no interest in relationships, you meet her after he does, and overall the right thing to back off: don’t.
• if you find out that two men were fully aware that you were dating both and competing: forgive them instantly.
• never question how they learned so much about you. I’m sure two spies had perfectly innocent means of finding out things about you.
• if you shoot it, it will definitely explode.
• film the inside of their house, especially if their having sex.
• forgive the stalking.
• and the infidelity.
• and make sure you stalk them

so yeah. this film is basically the worst thing to happen to feminism and brain cells since the US congress started entertaining the idea of banning birth control.

The Crash Drinking Game

Ever seen the film Crash? Ever thought that film would be more enjoyable with booze? Then why not play the Crash drinking game!

Ok, it’s really easy:

• Take a shot every time someones really really racist
• Take an extra shot if it was Matt Dillon saying it
• Take a shot every time someone talks about being discriminated against
• Take an extra shot if they then comply with the stereotype they’re complaining about
• Take a shot every time a woman screams at her husband

i guaranty you’ll be off your face… but also feeling pretty depressed…

500 Days Of Summer

I’d been meaning to watch this film for while now because I love weird postmodern films and have been a fan of Marc Webbs work for ages.  And it didn’t disappoint me.  In case you don’t know, 500 days of summer follows a couples relationship from beginning to end, but in unchronological order. 

It’s a pretty wierd film… scrap that it’s a very wierd film, but a very good one none the less.  While the actual plot is not that interesting (in fact if it had been done in a more conventional way I probably would have given up on it) it has some very charming set pieces like the dance number.  Most of it it is disjointed monologues by the main character about his relationship, but it’s all done in a very stylistic and original way.  Plus the main characters like The Smiths… I like The Smiths :)

This film is probably responsible for the best piece of advice ever: “Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate.”  And that’s from a little girl. If only I would listen to her…

All round it’s a sweet albeit odd film and Joseph Gordon Levitt and co are charming (especially his little sister, played by the girl in Kick Ass… she is one foul mouthed little girl!).  I highly recommend it- but not if your looking for feel good it’s a little depressing in parts.